I think when I move I'm going to start seeing someone for anxiety. I have too much of it. I get paranoid over everything. I'm afraid he has feelings for someone else. I'm afraid I'm not as important to him anymore, and that I've just fallen behind the scenes. I'm beginning to feel like this relationship is a ticking time bomb because of my paranoia and my insecurities, and I can't be like that anymore. I'm just waiting for him to get the courage to tell me he doesn't want to be with me anymore. I think if he had the chance he would kiss her. He would hold her, maybe make love to her if he could. Why do I think that way? That's not a fair judgement of his character, or the way he's treated me at all!! But then there's always that place in the back of your mind telling you, what if you're right? Well that place has taken over my brain, and I need to punch it in the face and stab it in the eye so it can leave me the hell alone.
I make up these terrible scenarios in my head, and they turn into a reality. Fuck I even dream about them. I need to go talk to someone about this because this is taking a large toll on me, and my relationship. I need an unbiased person who has no knowledge of this. I have this giant desire to give love and have love in return. However, when things are slightly off balance I seem to smash the scales instead of trying to even them out.
I'm trying to take this time to focus on myself, and I'm gonna fucking do it, but it's really hard. This is so hard. He needed time to do his own thing, and begin graduate school, and then see where we are. That is not a problem. That shouldn't be a problem. If it weren't for my complete and utter paranoia about not being wanted anymore. Well, because, that's fucking scary. I've never been in this situation before. I feel like I'm in a ditch clawing my way out, and I almost get to the top when I'm around my friends and family, but when I come home and I'm alone my grip slips, and I crash back to the bottom. I am trying to hold onto what I have right now instead of adapting to the changes that are inevitable. I'm holding on because of the fear that these changes are not what I had envisioned.
I invent all of these situations in my head. I try and envision what our conversation will be like two months from now. And all I can say is it's hard. In general I'm fine, but I think because I've been faced with so much uncertainty it's chipping away at me. I'm faced with being forced to trust him, and trust that he won't message other women, and that he'll be faithful because he always has. It's not that I don't trust him. I have to go on blind faith, and that's so fucking hard when I know he still has things to work through. I want him to completely focus on his career because I am so proud of him, and I understand that it is the most important thing in his life. I just want to be a part of his life too.
I can't say this to anyone though because then I get the look. The look of pity mixed with confusion. The look that says "You poor thing", but also says "What the hell are you doing?". I hate that look. I hate it so much because it doesn't allow me to be say what I feel. In one look it breaks me down and people have already classified me as something they've seen before. Then come the endless questions I have no answers for, and I look foolish. Maybe I am foolish, but I have to be optimistic, or I'll sit her and rot in these terrible thoughts. Which are unhealthy, and are not going to run my life.
I have to be able to find that part of me I once was. The one who did things for herself. I need to start doing things for myself again. Like exercising, eating well, reading, watching ridiculous TV, and not focus on what might happen. God that is so hard to do! I'm laughing about it, but it really is hard to do. It sounds so simple, but I'm working on it. When I get to Buffalo, I'm gonna see someone about this anxiety, because I just need a space to let it out. To express these stupid scenarios and this paranoia. So I can let it go. I don't want to be the needy chick in a relationship because I'm not. I have my own life, why do I need to worry about all of this bullshit? I don't.
Why am I so afraid for my relationship? I should just be focusing on my new exciting life! I have so much to be grateful for, and so many exciting things that are happening. If he doesn't want me anymore than screw him, I'm awesome. Lol. No, but I only want us to be happy, I'd like for us to be happy together, but if he moves on I will too, and everything will be fine. It's the uncertainty of it all that is shifting my focus. I have an exciting new life to look forward to, and I need to focus on that. I need to relax, because I worry too much. I worry waaayyyy too much. I need to relax.... and workout. I'm glad I could write all that out.
I've been watching The L Word way too god damn much.
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