Christina...

wants to jump out of an airplane for fun, with a parachute of course, one of the ones from the new Star Trek ... that works. She also wants to jump off a bridge with a springy cord attached to her, so she can bounce around screaming her head off, and laughing like a crazy person. She would like to ride every roller coaster in the world, and she also wants to eat a really ridiculously large crepe with LOTS of Nutella and piles of strawberries and bananas on it. ... Whilst sipping on an ice cold Lagunitas IPA.

A couple awesome quotes I've run across lately...

Jenny: "Do you hear that? Oh my God, It's Monet...Monet has come back from the dead, and he wants me to give you a message. He say's "I am so sorry for sitting in front of my pond in France and sketching those water lilies, and using the water lilies as actual inspiration. Sorry to offend Alice."

Alice: "Oh wait he's talking to me, so weird...[Talking to herself] Okay, I'll tell her. [Back to Jenny] He says don't ever fucking compare yourself to him!"



"Boys got all the bullets, but girls got the guns... But you don't need no stinkin' bullets if you know how to pistol whip a motherfucker." - Olivia Munn



"I once had a rose named after me and I was very flattered. But I was not pleased to read the description in the catalogue: no good in a bed, but fine up against a wall."-
Eleanor Roosevelt

Oodles of Fun!

I am so excited for this weekend and next week! Next week I turn twenty-three, that's crazy to me. I was just getting used to being 22! I feel like I say that every year though. Tonight I'm going down to Rachel's house and we're all going to a Zumba class.

If you don't know what Zumba is here's the Wikipedia explanation: "Zumba is a dance fitness program created by dancer and choreographer Alberto "Beto" Perez in Colombia during the 1990s. The program combines Latin and international music with dance in an effort to make exercise fun." Hey I am always down to dance my butt off! I wanted to take Zumba at my old gym, but I never got the timing of my visits right, and I was always so nervous to join. So I'm glad I'm going with the Snows.



I mean look at how happy they look! And how tan! Oh yes, let's get our Zumba on.

Tomorrow I'm spending the day with my Grandma. I am truly excited for that. We're going to the Watermelon Festival my hometown puts on every year. I haven't been since I was about 12, and I have missed it so much! It will be a lovely taste of home. Then we might catch a movie or just hang around and shop. My grandma is one of my best friends, and I truly love her. She and I are very similar, and it's been nice talking to her and seeing how alike we really are. We're both very clumsy, she studied journalism and writing in school, and we both love devouring every book we touch. I can't wait. <3


*Nom nom nom*

Sunday I'm going to a bridal show with Rachel, her mom, and our friend Jill. Rachel is engaged, and I can't really be around for the wedding planning because of my move. So I am trying to contribute as much as I can before I move. I'm excited to spend some time with the Snows I'll be staying with them for two nights.



Then next week is my birthday week! I'm driving up Tuesday to see my Bill, and we're going to see... get ready for it... LADY GAGA!! Ahhh I am soooo excited!! I need this, I need some powerful weird crazy ass free bitch to kick off my birthday week. THEN I'm going camping in Big Basin with a few friends for a couple of days! I am absolutely over the moon. Hopefully we can go to dinner on the 20th. My birthday is on the 19th, and I'll be in the woods getting my drink on, so I want to at least get dressed up and grab a couple of cocktails with friends.





I am so beyond excited! So just to recap so you can be really jealous, here's a list of my exciting plans:

Zumba class
Watermelon Festival and fun day with the Grandma
Bridal Show with Rachel
Lady Gaga with Bill
Camping for three days in Big Basin
Birthday drinkies

... What's that? I have an awesome life? ... Yes I know. Haha, no but really I am truly blessed. =)

Now it's time to take a bubble bath and curl up with my book. I have dedicated myself into being a reading machine while I'm home. I haven't been reading as much as I've wanted to lately, and I'm so excited to get back on track. =) Ttfn!

This is crazy talk time, but I need to say it...

I'm getting stress pains again. I hate stress pains. It feels like someone is punching my kidneys. The last time I got these was my senior year. I'm not going back to feeling like I did then. I need to write what I'm feeling. I need to workout. I need to workout a lot. I need some clarity, and I need to feel better. Right now when I'm alone I feel miserable. That's because the only thoughts that come up are the negative ones. The worst case scenarios.

I think when I move I'm going to start seeing someone for anxiety. I have too much of it. I get paranoid over everything. I'm afraid he has feelings for someone else. I'm afraid I'm not as important to him anymore, and that I've just fallen behind the scenes. I'm beginning to feel like this relationship is a ticking time bomb because of my paranoia and my insecurities, and I can't be like that anymore. I'm just waiting for him to get the courage to tell me he doesn't want to be with me anymore. I think if he had the chance he would kiss her. He would hold her, maybe make love to her if he could. Why do I think that way? That's not a fair judgement of his character, or the way he's treated me at all!! But then there's always that place in the back of your mind telling you, what if you're right? Well that place has taken over my brain, and I need to punch it in the face and stab it in the eye so it can leave me the hell alone.

I make up these terrible scenarios in my head, and they turn into a reality. Fuck I even dream about them. I need to go talk to someone about this because this is taking a large toll on me, and my relationship. I need an unbiased person who has no knowledge of this. I have this giant desire to give love and have love in return. However, when things are slightly off balance I seem to smash the scales instead of trying to even them out.

I'm trying to take this time to focus on myself, and I'm gonna fucking do it, but it's really hard. This is so hard. He needed time to do his own thing, and begin graduate school, and then see where we are. That is not a problem. That shouldn't be a problem. If it weren't for my complete and utter paranoia about not being wanted anymore. Well, because, that's fucking scary. I've never been in this situation before. I feel like I'm in a ditch clawing my way out, and I almost get to the top when I'm around my friends and family, but when I come home and I'm alone my grip slips, and I crash back to the bottom. I am trying to hold onto what I have right now instead of adapting to the changes that are inevitable. I'm holding on because of the fear that these changes are not what I had envisioned.

I invent all of these situations in my head. I try and envision what our conversation will be like two months from now. And all I can say is it's hard. In general I'm fine, but I think because I've been faced with so much uncertainty it's chipping away at me. I'm faced with being forced to trust him, and trust that he won't message other women, and that he'll be faithful because he always has. It's not that I don't trust him. I have to go on blind faith, and that's so fucking hard when I know he still has things to work through. I want him to completely focus on his career because I am so proud of him, and I understand that it is the most important thing in his life. I just want to be a part of his life too.

I can't say this to anyone though because then I get the look. The look of pity mixed with confusion. The look that says "You poor thing", but also says "What the hell are you doing?". I hate that look. I hate it so much because it doesn't allow me to be say what I feel. In one look it breaks me down and people have already classified me as something they've seen before. Then come the endless questions I have no answers for, and I look foolish. Maybe I am foolish, but I have to be optimistic, or I'll sit her and rot in these terrible thoughts. Which are unhealthy, and are not going to run my life.

I have to be able to find that part of me I once was. The one who did things for herself. I need to start doing things for myself again. Like exercising, eating well, reading, watching ridiculous TV, and not focus on what might happen. God that is so hard to do! I'm laughing about it, but it really is hard to do. It sounds so simple, but I'm working on it. When I get to Buffalo, I'm gonna see someone about this anxiety, because I just need a space to let it out. To express these stupid scenarios and this paranoia. So I can let it go. I don't want to be the needy chick in a relationship because I'm not. I have my own life, why do I need to worry about all of this bullshit? I don't.

Why am I so afraid for my relationship? I should just be focusing on my new exciting life! I have so much to be grateful for, and so many exciting things that are happening. If he doesn't want me anymore than screw him, I'm awesome. Lol. No, but I only want us to be happy, I'd like for us to be happy together, but if he moves on I will too, and everything will be fine. It's the uncertainty of it all that is shifting my focus. I have an exciting new life to look forward to, and I need to focus on that. I need to relax, because I worry too much. I worry waaayyyy too much. I need to relax.... and workout. I'm glad I could write all that out.



I've been watching The L Word way too god damn much.

Marina & The Diamonds

Makes me wanna go out for a drive with the top down in the sunshine.

Letter to God

Dear God,

Thank you thank you THANK YOU for giving me my dog Hershey. He is adorable and I love him very very much. He's always cuddly, and I love to watch him sleep. Every once in a while I can see his legs twitch, or his nose wiggle, and I wonder where his thoughts are. Is he flying through a meadow? Is he saving the earth from an impending alien attack? I'm not sure, but it sure is cute.

HOWEVER, I am very confused by this recent set of superpowers you have given him. Hershey has always had this one power, well let's just say he can clear out an area quite quickly with his um... toots.

Well upon arriving at home I have recently discovered that these have become increasingly common, overwhelming in fact, and just plain gross. So God. I ask you this, ... WHY? Just why? Also, why have these actions suddenly become equipped with audio? Just answer the question. Is this necessary? Is it necessary for me to walk into a room, and then walk immediately in the opposite direction for the fear that my poor little nose hairs might suddenly burst into flames? I mean at least now I have some notice with these newly developed noises you've given him, but still... WHY?!?


You're confused friend,

Christina

Untitled

I wonder when or if he'll ever be able to let her go.

I wonder the same for myself.

Shaken not Stirred

There is this really annoying fly that keeps buzzing around the window of my mom's computer room. I have arrived home from San Jose. I am still a bundle of mixed emotions concerning my current romantic entanglement, but I am so beyond excited to start my new life in a month. No matter what happens!

Next week is my Twenty-third birthday, and I'm going to be celebrating it with my awesome friends camping somewhere cheap and fun. =) It came so fast! That's what she said.

I am also going to go see Lady Gaga! My brother is so jealous. It's pretty awesome having a gay brother. He plays great music when we clean the house, he's reading funny books that I will be sneaking from his grasp, and he is sassy, which always makes for fun conversation. Plus I love him more than anything in the world so that helps too. =) I am so happy to see him, and I can't wait until I get to see my momma!

Oooh my kitty is now coming over to give me love, oh nope, he jumped off the desk with NO LOVE. Pfft! Fine whore.

I feel like Snow White right now. All of the animals are in the computer room with me. We always joke in my family that my grandma is Snow White because whenever animals are around they gravitate towards her, and she always starts singing to them. Because, well, she's kind of adorable like that.

Ah, I hate having a knot in my tummy. I hate feeling like nothing has changed. I guess I'll just have to wait and see how this develops, and whether I can do this anymore.

In other news, I am going to watch The L Word, spend time with my family, and maybe start unpacking my car. .... Maybe. ...I haven't heard that fly in a while... oh wait nope he's back, ahh, douche.

Man O Man

These are a few songs expressing how I'm feeling right now. This is an emo post, but at least they're good songs, and they're helping me with some rough feelings.

I'm not a very big Ke$ha fan, but this song is a good one right now











Oye, the madness that is bullshit.

This is the last time...

I wrote this poem about a woman I know who tries to find love through the physical with many partners, but can never find one to treat her like the queen she really is. I feel like many women do this in the hopes that someone will stop, realize what they have, and love them forever.


This is the last time
I let you inside
Each time gets better
I become more addicted to you
I want love
I need it, I wish I had it
Gratification
Each trial, fails.
Pain is the result of my conquests
Each time I brush myself off for love
A search that is never ending
A place I can find through the physical
If I give myself away someone will catch me
Hold me and take care of me
Never release me
I will have love
Each time I feel whole.
You get what you want and leave me with nothing
Stripped
Until I get back up, yet falter again
This is the last time.

Wow!

Tonight is my last night in the bay area before I take the trip home tomorrow. Not one thing from my room is packed in my car yet. ... Oye. I think I am just so burned out from this week. So many things have been going on. So many mixed emotions, too much work, and not enough sleep. I just needed a day to breathe. However, I am so excited to go home and spend some time with my family! I am so grateful for all of the wonderful people in my life. Now I must resume watching The L Word (I'm a little obsessed now) and continue packing! Wooo!

Romantic analysis...

I need to take a step back and let things breathe for a moment before they slip through my fingers. I'm clutching too tightly because of the fear that things might fall from my grasp. However, I need to realize that I shouldn't be grasping at all, I should be interlaced equally with another set of fingers. I need to let those fingers find their way around. Breathing is good. Time for me to focus on myself for a moment instead of worrying about what will happen. Yes, I am in love, but I also need to have love in return to make things work, and I need to let him see if he can do that for me. Step back. I can do this.

This move to Buffalo will be a good thing for me, no matter what happens.