I smelled it last night.

My favorite smell. It blew into work like a scarf flying in the wind, and took me by surprise. The sharp, cool winter air. The air that makes me think of home. The air I’ve loved since a small child. The air that tells me I’ll need my coat. the smell that says any day now I’ll be drinking hot chocolate, lighting candles, covering myself in blankets, and smelling sweet smells of cinnamon, vanilla, and nutmeg. The smell that taps me on the shoulder and reminds me to buy gifts for my loved ones.

Some of my fondest memories have been from smelling that air. I remember smelling it one year when I was in middle school. I don’t remember what grade I was in, but we were living in an apartment in a town called Sunland. Our apartment was the biggest one in the little complex, but that really isn’t saying much. The complex was at the dead end of the street and it was composed of seven apartments. It was blue with chipped paint and clouded paneled windows that were slowly inching their way out of their individual frames. We had an apartment on the first floor. My brother and I would often forget our keys so we would break in through the windows. First we would climb the fence, and then came the tricky task of popping those little panels of glass out of their individual frames so we could slide through the window and go open the door. I think we broke about four throughout our entire time of living there.

I spent many nights staring through that same window, longing to break free from my little town. My bed was right next to it. I loved to lean against the wall and feel the cool air on my face as I slept. I remember one night I wondered why my favorite smell hadn’t arrived yet. It was early Fall and it had rained a lot before so I was expecting it to come. An after rain smell and the smell of winter are very different. My smell is crisp and cool. The scent in the air after the rain smells earthy. I love it, but it’s the winter air that welcomes the rain and really makes me dream.

That night I climbed in bed and stretched out my arm to turn the little knob to the right of the window. I cracked it open and that's when it hit me. The smell of the most beautiful air in the world. It was crisp and so full of welcome. I breathed it in and got chills. I furiously turned the knob until the window was completely open. Covering myself in my blankets I laid in bed looking at the night sky and smelling the air. I remember feeling so happy and so in love. This air was like my mom’s hugs, or my brother’s smile, it was like the warmth of my grandmother’s house, or the laugh of my father. This air made me feel alive. I looked out my window and thought about my dreams. When my air comes back into the night I dream. I dream about my future, and all of the things I want to do in life. I think about possibility, and take any struggles or walls blocking me out of the way. Nothing can defeat me.

When my air comes home I smile, and think about how much I love life. How much it didn’t matter that I was living in circumstances where we lived on Tap Ramen for a year, or we had to have court ordered visitation rights with my father in the back of his truck, or the fact that my aunt was slowly becoming a darker shade of her old self. None of that mattered when my air came back. He is my first love. All that mattered was how much I had yet to do in the world, how much I was going to accomplish, and how my big dreams could fill up the night sky. My air and I fell asleep and we danced with each other in my dreams all night.

So you can imagine how I wasn’t expecting him to arrive so soon. I was at work cashiering at the register next to our juice bar, so not too close to the door. There was a period when no customers were at my register, and I caught a sharp wiff. Shocked I spun around and my eyes grew large as I looked outside, excited at the thought that my air was finally back. “Oh my God” I said. My manager walked by, and I said “It’s winter soon! It smells like my favorite smell!” By this time I was already at the door trying to find it again. And my manager was with me trying to sniff him out too. But alas, just as fast as he had snuck up on me he was gone. I smelled him a couple more times before we went upstairs to close, and was confused as to why he didn’t stay longer. When I walked outside after work, I caught a faint smell of him lingering, but the downtown streets covered it up with dingy sidewalks and loud cars.

I just figure that he’s not ready to come back yet. Maybe this was just a token of affection. He was sending a message to tell me that he hasn’t forgotten me, and will be back soon. He does travel quite a long way, and I’m sure there are many other young girls who love his smell too. I’m willing to share. However, when he returns he will be mine and I will be so happy. Oh, I can’t wait to dream again with him swirling around me.