A few nights ago I went out with some co-workers for three-dollar Guinness night at a local bar. The prospect of Guinness being 3 dollars a pint was just heaven, and I kept talking about it throughout our shift. My co-workers and I started off the night by going to one seedy bar at the end of the downtown stretch. At the seedy bar they purchased two pitchers of cheap beer. I, having the pitcher in front of me, proceeded to constantly fill my cup back up when it got to the halfway mark. Ergo not really knowing how much beer I had consumed by the time we went to the second bar.
Amongst my co-workers I am the youngest. One co-worker in particular had caught my fancy since I had started to work there. We invited him out, and I was more than excited when he came with us. This man is well beyond taken, so the prospect of me even thinking about flirting with him was off limits, but I still really wanted to get to know him in general. He has been my first crush since an on and off very complicated and emotional situation with someone I gave my heart to fully. The fact that I had even had a crush was more amazing and precious to me than he’ll ever know.
My friend Nick met up with us at the 2nd bar. All of us were talking and having a great time, then one co-worker left. So it was just Nick, myself, and let’s call him Frank because he has some baby blue eyes. The three of us began chatting, but Nick had to leave because he had class early that morning. So after that it was just Frank and me. I was a bit worried things would get a little awkward. I always worried about whether he caught me looking at him from across the store, or about my awkward beginnings to our short conversations in between customers. Despite these concerns, and to my surprise, we talked with ease. We discussed movies, books, music, but we also talked about our families. He spoke about his girlfriend, and how their move back to Santa Cruz was hard on him. We agreed that we loved the city life, and how the city remained alive and vibrant no matter what the time was.
Then he bought me another beer. This gesture made me feel really special because in a college town this is a rare act. Plus, I am not used to having male attention in general. Having a drink purchased for me was just so nice even in a purely platonic conversation. We continued to talk. We talked about our families and told each other personal information, but it didn’t seem like it was too much, it just seemed like we understood. It took us by surprise when the lights turned on in the bar to tell everyone to go home. So Frank and I got up and walked outside. I told him which direction I was walking, and then he just said “Ok” and started walking with me. Yes, Frank walked me home. Another gesture that is just so beyond nice. As we walked we kept on talking, and everything just felt so perfect. I thanked him twice for walking me home, I gave him a big hug and we both said how nice it was to hang out. When I got upstairs, my roommate was in bed reading and I told her all about my night, and what a gentleman Frank had been. I was on this kind of high because of how nice the night was. So I got online to check my Facebook of course.
Well I was looking online to see if there was anyone to chat with, and I had noticed that a new friend of mine was on. He is much older than I am and an ex-boyfriend of my good friend Amanda who is 10 years my senior. Let’s call him Joel, after Billy Joel, who is an avid fan of younger gals.
Well being a new friend of mine I initiated a chat with him because on Facebook there’s always that awkward “who’s going to comment first” phase. I said to him how I was happy we were friends, and I told him about my night of drinking. He said he had just been to a concert. Then he asked me if my best friend Bill was my boyfriend on my profile picture. … Interesting. I said no, and then he did something quite unexpected. He told me I was cute. Like I said, I am not used to male attention. I mean when a guy calls me cute or gives me a compliment it takes me off guard. So I got all flustered and said a big thank you to him, not expecting anything else. Then he said, “Well cute isn’t the right word” and I said, “Well what is?” and he replied “Beautiful”. Well that had done it. I was completely in flirtation mode. After that he had talked about getting a beer some time, and I, who had never been on a date said, “Sure that could be fun”. I told him how I didn’t live too far from the bars, and he asked where I lived. I wrote my address, and then he said he’d be right over.
I don’t know where he got the idea that I was inviting him out, or telling him that I wanted to date him, but he suddenly started talking about going out that night. I told him that it was a bit late, but then he suddenly became very persuasive. I’m not really sure why I said what I said next, but I told him, “Well if you come over, all you’ll get is a make-out session” I don’t know why I typed those words, but I can honestly say that I was not serious about them. I was simply flirting, and it was fun to play around with a guy, and have him want me. So we talked about him coming over, and I told him the info, NOT expecting him to actually do it. I was certain we were joking. I even told him it was creepy that he wanted to come over, but then he had persuaded me that it was just funny. So we were chatting about the thought and he said "Be right over", I said “OK haha”, then he left the chat. I was really confused. ... Until I heard my front door crack open.
Everything was all fun and games until he walked through my door. The minute this man cracked open my door, everything became too real, and I discerned that he had taken all of my words seriously. At the time and a couple days after, the situation felt very strange and invasive. However, now that I view the situation it has become quite funny to me. My experience just makes this guy seem like a yoga loving, spiritual new age, trying to cling onto the last bit of his youth, piece of scum. When he walked through that door our age gap told the story.
Let me paint a picture of this glorious scenario in your mind.
I was sitting at a table that rests right behind my couch typing away on my computer. Then I heard my door crack. I didn’t even know my door was unlocked. I looked up and saw the face of 42 year-old Joel. My eyes became wide, and I said, “Oh my god Joel, I can’t even believe you’re here!” Keep in mind I was still pretty drunk. Then I said, “This is hilarious, I can’t believe you’re here.” Me laughing, and Joel looking confused. Joel responded “I know it’s so silly” Then there was this awkward pause, and I said, “Um well do you want to sit and talk on the couch?” He said a bit shamefully but with a glimmer of hope in his voice “Sure that sounds nice.”
FYI, I live in a two-bedroom apartment that houses three 22 year-old girls. I have one roommate and one housemate. For us it’s home, but this is not a place where I would bring someone for a late night rendezvous.
We don’t have much money, so things don’t coordinate that well. Four cinder blocks and a piece of wood hold up our TV, most of our artwork it tacked up on the walls, our lamps don’t match, nothing matches really. So, this is not the sexy seductress lair Joel might have been expecting. As I pointed him over to our $90 couch we got off of Craig’s List half covered by a bed sheet my mom gave me, I asked him if he wanted some water. He said sure. So I went to the kitchen to get him some. Looking at all of our mismatched dishes, Disney mugs we use for bowls, and our uneven cups, I chose the classiest cup we had, a Budweiser pint glass, and filled it with water from the sink. “I hope you don’t mind that it’s tap.” He didn’t seem to care. So I moved over to the couch, wearing my over-sized, full of holes, Fraggle Rock t-shirt I’ve had since high school, and my pair of blue shorts I sleep in every night. Perfect “seduction” clothing of course….
Joel and I sat on the couch, and I said, “Um, so well, where are you from?” Then he said “New York”. I got excited. “Oh no way! I’m going to move over there next year when I get more money! I mean I’m working right now so I can save up.” I was obviously the kind of career woman he was looking for with that statement. He asked me where I was from, and I told him southern California. I explained that I had moved to the desert my freshman year before high school…. 8 years ago. I told him how I loved Santa Cruz, and how graduating felt really great. I think it should have been apparent from that moment that I was just starting out on my life, and that he was trying to save his.
Then he said, "So where is your roommate?" and I replied, "In our room." "Oh wow so you really do have a roommate." he said as if he couldn't believe I was telling the truth. It seemed like he was disappointed we could not have a room to ourselves and a bed to share. He mentioned how he practiced massage, giving hints about being physical. Bored, I got lost in thought while he talked. I thought about how unappealing this man in front of me was. I mean he has a kid! Where was his child? Did he just drop everything and leave him alone, to come here? Pathetic. I thought about how nice Frank had been before, and then I thought about the man I love. I remembered him and how I felt with him. I thought about his eyes, his kiss, and how I miss his touch. How he lingers in my dreams, and how I would much rather have him on my couch than this tired shade of a man.
Joel noticed I had become quiet and exclaimed how the situation we were in was kind of awkward. At that I said, “No just kind of funny right now.” Then he asked why I flirted with him that night, and I said "I don't know. I'm not used to male attention, so it was just nice being complimented." I don’t know how, but apparently that was a cue for him to make a move, “So it would be bad if we made out huh?” he said. I, not even thinking about making out with this wrinkled, lonely, insect said, “Yes, Amanda is my good friend, and … I think you’re a bit too old for me.” He said, “How old do you think I am?” In a way that suggested that he thought I would guess much lower than his real age, and that he would go with it. I replied dauntlessly “Well, I saw the year you were born on Facebook, so I know how old you are.” Defeated, he just said “oh” and there was a pause, and he replied, “I should probably go huh?” I said a fast “Yes”.
So I walked him past my “Bad Kitties” calendar, took his Budweiser cup, and turned to say good-bye. He went in for a hug, and it felt like he was going to try and kiss me so I turned my cheek away enough for him to get the message. As he walked out of my apartment he turned back with this sort of pained expression. The only way I can describe it is a little deer that hadn’t gotten his way. A little, annoying, sexually frustrated, stupid deer. Well as he gave me this look I slowly closed the door, saying in a singsong voice, “Bye Joel.” The little deer looked lost, and afraid.
The next day I had to tell my friend. Even after he left I was already contemplating the email I would send to her, and remembered I needed to pick up some food she had made for me. I took a mental note to tell her then. The next day, I woke up with the realization of what had happened, and with whom I had been flirting. A wave of embarrassment, betrayal, and just plain confusion hit me as I lay in bed that morning. I had to tell her. I could not let this be a secret. I was not that kind of friend. I thought about calling her, but I decided I needed her to hear my story in person. I was thinking about the right words to describe my situation as I walked to her door. I let myself in just like she had requested, and she came bounding down the hall greeting me with her beautiful presence and love. She told me my food was in her car, and she was meeting with someone quickly. So I came back as they were finishing up.
As she was getting some food she said ”So tell me about this beer buying guy last night!” I replied, “I need to talk to you about something.” Then I proceeded to tell her about how Joel and I had flirted online, how I gave him my info, how he had come over unexpectedly, how I was completely not ready for anything like that, how I told him I would not betray my friend, and how our ages were too far apart for me to be interested. I’m not gong to lie I was worried that I would be to blame. When I told her what happened her face scrambled up and she went “Oh my god, that is just disgusting. I am never speaking to him again!! Oh my god. I am so sorry you had to go through that. What a creep!” A wave of relief washed over me. She understood!
See Amanda knows me. She knows how shy I am with men. She knows how I have been intimate with only one man. She knows that I have no idea what to do when it comes to male attention. She completely got it. She also knows Joel. She dated him for six months, and when I told her the story with every detail, she would often say “That is so him. I know that look. I totally know what you’re talking about.” So I was just so relieved that I was not to blame. I told her that I did flirt with him, and gave him my information, but I was not expecting him to actually come over.
Flash-forward to the next day, I get a message from Joel on Facebook saying how sorry he was, and how he was embarrassed for his actions. He asked me whether he should speak to Amanda about the situation or whether it was between us. I wrote him back saying that I had no hard feelings about the situation. I mentioned that he was awesome but our ages were too far apart. I also mentioned that I had already spoken to Amanda about what had happened. I think I hit a nerve when I mentioned his age because in his response he replied that "For the record" (this phrase was used in every response of his from then on) I was not honest or taking responsibility for my “flirting and teasing” him.
Then I found out he had sent Amanda a message too. Stating that I had initiated a chat with him last night giving him my address and telling him to come over. Uh, what? He also mentioned to her that he was stupid, and that I flirted and teased him. Amanda sent it to me. When I read it just felt like I knew who this guy was. Yes, I initiated a chat with him, but the chat started with “Hey hey hey! We’re friends on Facebook now!” I did not initiate the chat with my address and specific instructions for him to come over. No. I don’t think I even mentioned anything good about him during our conversation. So that night of the chat when I heard a crack in the door five minutes later. I was shocked. And when I heard that I was being blamed for “teasing” him and "making" him come over, I was disgusted.
I am not the kind of woman that seduces a man in the middle of the night to come over and hook up. Especially a man 20 years my senior. I was completely taken aback when Joel walked through my door. I mean, if really was trying to "tease" him over to my place, you'd think I would have put something a little different on than my Fraggle rock t-shirt. The thought is just laughable for those who know me. I am extremely shy when it comes to the opposite sex. I was in love with the first and only person I’ve slept with, and I didn’t do anything with said person until four years after we had met. I am not the one-nightstand kind of woman. The thought of even sleeping with anyone but said first time man, is not even in a realm of possibility. I had no intention of kissing Joel, and I think he just got hurt over how strong I was in the situation. He was not expecting a drunk 22 year old to tell him he was too old for her, and walk him out. He was also not expecting her to tell him that he shouldn’t have even come over in the first place, and I’m sure he was not expecting her to tell him that "For the record" she wishes him the best in life. But I do. I wish him the best in whatever he does, and I hope one day he can see that I was not the one who needed to be reminded to act their age and be the responsible adult.
This entire situation made me realize one thing; I am so much stronger than I thought. I had the courage to say no when someone was trying to take advantage of me. I had the power to turn someone away, and confront them when they accused me of lying. I had the efficacy to be twice the person they were. I admitted my faults within the situation, and I told him his as well. In this degree, I am truly proud of myself for knowing that I deserve much better than Joel. I deserve someone my age who will cherish and love me because I am that wonderful. So now I realize I have always had the strength to choose what I want, and not just say yes hoping that my actions will make me more desirable or loved in another's eyes. I already know I can be desired and loved, and that someone, someday will think the world of me, and not just make me a late night assignation.
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