I'm so confused about everything right now. It's like my brain is playing mental Pong, and I just keep getting thrown from one side to the other. (While proof-reading this I read mental as "metal". How epic would Metal Pong be? I wannit now) I need to re-start my training. I could definitely use some mental clarity here. It sucks when you want to go back to the past so badly, but you know you have to stay strong for the other person to learn and grow. As well as for yourself to learn and grow. It's also painful, confusing, and just plain sucky. I'm just gonna have to completely throw myself into my plans and take my mind off of everything. I'm so happy I have great friends to talk to about this, but I feel like I'm exhausting them with it all, hell, I'm exhausting myself! I don't even want to talk about it anymore. I mean I'm really loving it here, and having a wonderful time. The hardest part is just making new friends. How come no one tells you it's hard to make friends outside of school? It's really friggin hard.
Good thing I've met an awesome girl who's gonna show me Buffalo. We met at this Ladies Night Out event, and she gave me a ride home. On the way back she took me into downtown Buffalo (I hadn't been yet), and it is gorgeous. Everything here has such a sense of artistry. Like there was so much thought put into this city. People cared about what it looked like, and wanted a beautiful city in which they could happily live. Then there are those parts that are just completely abandoned. It's like this place has little pockets full of life, and then in between it's baron and trying to climb back into existence.
I've been having great interactions with the people here though. I seem to strike up conversations with so many people. It's helped me to realize I am quite a people person. I love going to the Farmer's Market on Saturdays too. Last weekend I bought a pumpkin to cook with, and I felt so cute walking around Elmwood with my pumpkin and my red scarf. I even went to Spot and got some "Chaider" (Chai + Cider) which was just plain ridiculously amazing, and a party in muh mouth. Well when I was in line I noticed that there was this guy who kept staring at me. He would look at the menu, and then back at me. Then when he got his food, he looked at me, and when he went back to the condiment table, he looked at me again. It's been like that quite a bit here. I'm not trying to sound conceded, but does the snow here make all the guys horndogs? I've had guys on the street literally lean out their windows just to crane their necks for a better look. I have also had random homeless men tell me "You're hot". Yep, definitely gettin all the fellas now. Watch out world. But seriously, the male energy towards me here can be a bit intense at times. I mean it feels good, but also strange because I'm not quite ready for it yet, and it seems to be coming from older men, with whom I have no interest. Some guy even asked for my number on the bus! ... That has never happened to me. I just wanna go out though. I wanna meet people my age who want to go out dancing, but not party all the time. I love to go out, but I like to be sensible, and not skanky or drunk 24/7. I want friends like that. Is that too much to ask for baby Jesus?
So the state I'm in right now is optimistic. I am optimistic that I will find my place here, that my ex will learn from his mistakes, look at his choices, and appreciate and value me and the 5+ years we shared as friends and more, that I will find a permanent job, that I will get a good score on the GRE, that I will be accepted into my graduate program, that I will finally go out dancing, that someone my age will be mature and want to be with me, and that I will learn to not completely obsess and over-analyze every aspect of my life with a fine tooth anxious comb. That last one is rearry important Babeh Jesus. *Crosses Fingers*
Also, here is a puppy for you to "Aww" at. Enjoy. You're welcome.
