I want my own apartment. I want a job. I will be tutoring starting next week, but I want a real full blown job. I know I am just starting out in the professional world, but I want to be paid 15$ an hour to answer phones, file, greet, impress, multi-task, and make money. So much has happened since my last post. So much so that I really cannot write it all down in this one post. I have to break it up or my brain will silently explode. So here are my categories I'll eventually write about, in no particular order.
Apartment
Job
Money
Dad
Mom
Roommate
Boyfriend
Maybe I'll be able to mix them up into one mega post, but I don't really want to do that. These are the things that have been swirling around in my life for the past few months. The things that have consumed my life, my time, my brain. So much so that I didn't even know where to begin in writing about them. I have tried to write for the past few months, but my own lack of will or motivation has kept me from doing so. Like I mentioned in my first post. I want to be a writer, but I don't know what to write. I find this happening a lot lately. I want to do so many things, but I don't know how to do it. No, I know how to do it, I just don't. Everything seems so big to me right now, so impossible to complete. I have opened all of these doors, I just haven't found my way back to close them.
Right now I'm supposed to call my best friend Bill and talk to him about how he got sick over the Christmas Holiday. I miss Bill a lot. We were joined at the hip for four years, and lived together for two years. Now I barely see him once a week. I know things change, but I really miss him. He is very busy, and I know he always thinks about me, but I also know that things tend to become distant when you're away from each other.
I was so used to knowing everything that happened in his day, and now I get little snippets here and there. He has become closer to one of his housemates, and while I think this is fantastic, I sometimes cannot help but feel shoved slightly to the side while he has someone new to always be there for him.
I have no doubt that I will know Bill forever. He is my family now. It's as if someone pulled a string through both of our hearts and tied them together for eternity. I have no doubt that we will never stop being friends. No matter how far the string is pulled. However I am still sitting here typing away, and like so many things I do, I haven't called him yet. I haven't been doing anything. My boyfriend Noam, the Ron Weasley to this trio situation, talked with him earlier today.
Yes, I have a boyfriend now. I suppose this will be the topic of this post considering it's been a pretty huge topic in my life right now. I still can't really fathom how it happened. It's been a little over two months with him, and I sometimes have to step back and wonder how this all came to be.
You see I was the girl who was lost in a world of unrequited love. Like Bill, Noam is my best friend. I've known him for four years, and lived with him for two. When I first met Noam I felt an instant attraction for him, and as embarrassing as it has been over the years, this attraction has never faded. Not for one second. On the contrary it has grown exponentially. It was there when we met and became good friends Freshman year. It watched over me when I slept in his bed for the first time, when we would watch Hockey, cuddle, or play games like "Nervous"- A game where we would move our hands up each others legs and say "Are you nervous yet?"-
My attraction just watched and laughed when we would get into tickling matches that would end with him tickling my neck with his lips, or us making up a ridiculous game called "eye sex" just so we could rub ourselves against each other. Sometimes it held its breath in anticipation. One night when we were watching Gladiator, I was laying on a table behind the couch in the student lounge. Noam came over and made a joke about how I needed CPR. He bent down and briefly brushed his lips over mine. It wasn't a kiss, but I remember thinking he had the softest lips I had ever felt. In those moments my attraction was matched by his, but then somewhere along the line his brain told him to stop, and we simply became friends. My attraction became disappointed and embarrassed, then tried to hide itself quickly.
When freshman year ended we both went home for the summer. We talked every other day, and I remember I had to come back to Santa Cruz early for RA training. Noam had to be back as well. He received a job with one of the coffee stands on campus, and they needed him for training. I remember the day I got a call from him Sophomore year to come over and say hello. I had told myself all summer that I would not repeat my mistake of being so attracted to him. I said it would go away. However, the moment he opened the door it flooded back. I remember there was a bit of awkwardness of getting back into the groove where we would talk openly with one another. Although, twenty minutes later we were back in his bed cuddling. Just lying next to each other, talking, and being us.
When I think of my entire relationship with Noam, it has always revolved around a bed. It always centers around us touching, staying in contact through feeling each other. Not in a sexual way, but by just being next to someone. When Noam became close with another girl that year, and began to date her, I almost felt free of it. I felt like I could move on, and prove everyone wrong. I could tell them I did not have feelings for this man, and I could have a normal relationship with him. no bed included. ... That was until they broke up, and two weeks later we were back to cuddling. One night we were talking, and Noam decided to reenact the scene from the Godfather when Michael kisses Fredo and says "I knew it was you all along". Well he grabbed my face, said the line, and planted one on me. Only, I wasn't so impressed, and I said "That's not a real kiss" so I bent my head up and kissed him softly. Then there was the oh so awkward talk of "Are we friends?" "Are we more?" "Are we friends who kiss?" I didn't want to reveal my feelings for him because all of his responses stated that he simply wanted to be friends. So I agreed, and we went back to being friends. ...That cuddle all the time.
When we started living together the year after that, the space between our rooms shrunk to six feet. Noam would often sleep in my bed. If he had a nightmare I could count on my door cracking open, and having him slip right next to me. It was comforting. I would make pouty faces if he didn't want to stay in my room for a night. Eventually during out dumb arguments I would tell him I didn't care where he slept. An hour later, I would hear my door crack open, the bed would shake slightly, and his warm arm would wrap around me. Guys are weird.
However, I had to hide my feelings because I had to be his friend. His best friend. His best friend that would give him advice about the women he was interested in. His best friend that would encourage him to be brave, ask her out, yes go dance with her, no it's fine we can cancel plans, go make your move. I had to be the best friend that heard the phrase "Can I ask you a question?" With that phrase, every time, it was as if a little spark flew up from my stomach to my heart in the hopes that I would hear the question I wanted. Unfortunately, the question was always about someone else.
We became intimate my senior year. He was interested in other women, and I became crazy. I will not lie about that. I went through his phone to see who he talked to, I watched as he spoke with other women, I cried and screamed and told myself that I was not enough. I became miserable. This was not healthy, and I have already made a promise to myself that I will never, ever do that again. I am not that person anymore, and that part of our relationship was appalling. When I couldn't take it anymore, I broke down. I had some drinks, and began to cry. I fell into the bathtub and Noam came in asking me to not do this to myself. He asked me what was going on and all I could say was "You broke my heart".
After that I wrote him a letter telling him that I had fallen in love with him, and how I felt about certain situations we had been in. I truly tried to heal myself. We stopped being intimate, and we told each other that we never wanted to lose each other as friends. We had a final party in our apartment before the three of us moved out. I got very dolled up in the hopes that like our other parties, Noam would look at me and want to be with me. However, a woman Noam had been heavily infatuated with attended. This woman was someone I could not stop comparing myself to for months, and even now it's sometimes hard for me to stop. She is a radiant beauty, and intelligent to boot. Eight years our senior her grace fills a room, and yet, I always wondered why she went on dates with him. I always wondered why she felt so at ease in a room full of people eight years her junior. She is a wonderful person, but I do feel that at the time, (she might still be, I haven't seen her in some time) she was holding onto a part of her youth that made her feel beautiful and worthy. Having someone look at her like that I assume, made her feel special, and like she was not alone, like she had numerous options and great power.
He walked to her car and I saw him give her a passionate kiss good-bye right outside my room. As he came to get me to return to the party I lashed out at him in a fit of mascara-stained tears. Screaming, and telling him to get out. I had felt betrayed. I left the next morning for a day to myself. We did not speak for a few days. I constantly felt sick, and I can say that was a terrible time. Finally, I talked to him and I told him that I all I wanted was his happiness. That kiss was just simply the last thing I ever wanted to see. I told him I wanted him to be happy, and we went back to being us again. We stayed distant, and simply focused on our friendship. Because Noam is my best friend, and that will always remain true.
When it came time for us to move out I was extremely sad, but also ready to focus on myself. I needed to find time for me. I needed to see the beauty within myself and see that I am indeed a beautiful and amazing woman. Noam was still my best friend, I just needed my life to not revolve around what he was thinking, or who he was being romantic with. I needed to be free. When I moved into my new place I felt very free. I saw Noam every week, and we hung out like we used to, and things were great.
Then he slept over one night, and the room pulsed with the electricity between us. Then it did that again, and a couple other times. We said we would stop, and we did for a while. Until one day he told me that he was attracted to me. This simply knocked me off of my feet. I was extremely confused. It had always been that he liked being intimate, never that he liked being intimate with me. ...
As we were apart, more and more strange occurrences kept popping up. I'd see certain looks, when I went over to his house, he would make me food, he'd pour my drink for me, he would give me little compliments. It was all very strange.
One night we ended up kissing in my car, and he looked at me and said
"Are you going to get a boyfriend in New York?"
"I don't know...", I said.
"Well you deserve it", he said.
"...I know I do."
He chuckled.
"What? It's taken me a long time to get to a place where I can say that. I deserve it!"
Then he smiled, nodded, and kissed me.
Yes I know this is totally weird and fucked up, but love is weird and fucked up like that.
Later that night we both sat in my car in front of his house. We talked about relationships, and other things I don't remember. Then he said something I had not heard in some time
"Can I ask you a question?"
Pause.
"You can say no if you think it's a bad idea."
Pause.
"... Do you want to go out?"
PAUSE.
... "Yea, I'd really like that."
I didn't really know what to do after that. I texted my girlfriends telling them the shocking and really, truly, unexpected news. Noam and I were going on a ... date
I have loved Noam for a long time. Only realizing it this past year, and fully processing what this means. I don't know why I kept going back and forth with him. No wait. I do. It's because I still had that small shard of hope inside of me. The hope that he felt something for me as well. Which is why I constantly felt crushed when that piece of hope was constantly being chipped away to a smaller, and smaller shard. In my opinion, I think Noam has had feelings for me for quite some time. I think that his mind needed to process what was going on, and why he kept coming back. Why he wanted to be near me in not just a friendly way.
So, we went on our first date.
I was completely nervous. Was I putting myself out there to be hurt again? What if he asked me on a pity date? Will we be ok?
So I just had to pray to God and Beyonce for strength. The entire way there I just said to myself "You are Sasha Fierce. You can do this."
We sat in a nice Italian restaurant. We talked about late night talk shows, politics, held hands, saw a funny movie, and went back to his place. We watched Conan O'Brien, and cuddled on his couch. I remember he kept looking up at the screen and then down towards me, then up and down, up and down, up and down. I finally met his gaze and there was a pause, and then he kissed me. It feels funny saying that we had a first date, but we did and it was really magical.
Then we had a second where he was unsure about his feelings for me, but we agreed on a third. Then a fourth, then a fifth. Then we finally agreed that we should just be in a relationship together.
I don't know how it happened. I guess he finally woke up and saw how goddamn great I am for him, and I stopped caring about what he thought all the time. I don't know what caused it, but I can say that I am so so so so grateful for this change.
I prayed a lot during the time in which we were beginning to date, and channeled Sasha Fierce too. I guess I didn't want this to not work out. I just wanted it to finally happen. I just wanted to be happy with him, well, because I knew I could be.
Guess what? I so am.
I am so completely in love. He really is an amazing person, and a wonderful partner. I think he had to work on some things himself, and while I do get insecure because I know him so well, I usually get proven wrong by his actions and affection towards me.
I feel so lucky. I feel so lucky that I have remained strong, and independent, and I need to have my own sense of security to even muster a shred of security with him.
He came home with me for Christmas, and we said I love you to each other on Christmas Day.
I cannot even express how blessed I feel right now. How much I watch for what I do or say to others for fear that Karma might take away this beautiful gift.
All of this may sound very cheesy, but there is nothing more torturous than when you're in a situation where you cannot say or express how you feel to someone you are so deeply in love with.
To be able to have that freedom is something words cannot accurately describe. To have no more malice towards myself is something I will treasure forever. To not be freaking crazy over another person, and learn to be me, puts everything at ease.
Also, to know what I want, tell him what is not going to work, tell him how I feel about everything good and bad, is freeing beyond all measure.
I'll be honest, I would be really nervous if he were to read this post because it is extremely intimate. However, this is something I have needed to write for a long, long time. This is something that I have been wanting to say. We have had a rocky year, but it ended really really well. I'm letting go of the bad to embrace the world of good rushing into my life right now.
I am in love with my best friend, and he loves me back. La vie est bonne.
