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I wonder when or if he'll ever be able to let her go.

I wonder the same for myself.

Shaken not Stirred

There is this really annoying fly that keeps buzzing around the window of my mom's computer room. I have arrived home from San Jose. I am still a bundle of mixed emotions concerning my current romantic entanglement, but I am so beyond excited to start my new life in a month. No matter what happens!

Next week is my Twenty-third birthday, and I'm going to be celebrating it with my awesome friends camping somewhere cheap and fun. =) It came so fast! That's what she said.

I am also going to go see Lady Gaga! My brother is so jealous. It's pretty awesome having a gay brother. He plays great music when we clean the house, he's reading funny books that I will be sneaking from his grasp, and he is sassy, which always makes for fun conversation. Plus I love him more than anything in the world so that helps too. =) I am so happy to see him, and I can't wait until I get to see my momma!

Oooh my kitty is now coming over to give me love, oh nope, he jumped off the desk with NO LOVE. Pfft! Fine whore.

I feel like Snow White right now. All of the animals are in the computer room with me. We always joke in my family that my grandma is Snow White because whenever animals are around they gravitate towards her, and she always starts singing to them. Because, well, she's kind of adorable like that.

Ah, I hate having a knot in my tummy. I hate feeling like nothing has changed. I guess I'll just have to wait and see how this develops, and whether I can do this anymore.

In other news, I am going to watch The L Word, spend time with my family, and maybe start unpacking my car. .... Maybe. ...I haven't heard that fly in a while... oh wait nope he's back, ahh, douche.

Man O Man

These are a few songs expressing how I'm feeling right now. This is an emo post, but at least they're good songs, and they're helping me with some rough feelings.

I'm not a very big Ke$ha fan, but this song is a good one right now











Oye, the madness that is bullshit.

This is the last time...

I wrote this poem about a woman I know who tries to find love through the physical with many partners, but can never find one to treat her like the queen she really is. I feel like many women do this in the hopes that someone will stop, realize what they have, and love them forever.


This is the last time
I let you inside
Each time gets better
I become more addicted to you
I want love
I need it, I wish I had it
Gratification
Each trial, fails.
Pain is the result of my conquests
Each time I brush myself off for love
A search that is never ending
A place I can find through the physical
If I give myself away someone will catch me
Hold me and take care of me
Never release me
I will have love
Each time I feel whole.
You get what you want and leave me with nothing
Stripped
Until I get back up, yet falter again
This is the last time.

Wow!

Tonight is my last night in the bay area before I take the trip home tomorrow. Not one thing from my room is packed in my car yet. ... Oye. I think I am just so burned out from this week. So many things have been going on. So many mixed emotions, too much work, and not enough sleep. I just needed a day to breathe. However, I am so excited to go home and spend some time with my family! I am so grateful for all of the wonderful people in my life. Now I must resume watching The L Word (I'm a little obsessed now) and continue packing! Wooo!

Romantic analysis...

I need to take a step back and let things breathe for a moment before they slip through my fingers. I'm clutching too tightly because of the fear that things might fall from my grasp. However, I need to realize that I shouldn't be grasping at all, I should be interlaced equally with another set of fingers. I need to let those fingers find their way around. Breathing is good. Time for me to focus on myself for a moment instead of worrying about what will happen. Yes, I am in love, but I also need to have love in return to make things work, and I need to let him see if he can do that for me. Step back. I can do this.

This move to Buffalo will be a good thing for me, no matter what happens.

Moving right along...

Holy moly!! I moved all of my stuff out of my room in a half an hour. YEAYAH! I rock. Now, comes the job of sorting it all out! Maybe the Ricky Gervais podcasts gave me this strength....